Twas the Night before Sithmas
by His Majesty the Emperor
Summary: Sate Pestage convinced Emperor Palpatine to read the Star Wars version of Twas the Night before Christmas as part of a public relations stunt. The Emperor was not amused by the writer's attempt to rewrite such a classic poem. Mass Fourth Wall Breaking will definitely ensue.


Star Wars is the property of the Walt Disney Company (insert snide comment here). I don't own a thing, but let me tell you it was a real pain in the neck getting some of this stuff to rhyme. Please review. And to all a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. The words in the parentheses in italics are when Palpatine interrupts the narration. Please leave a review. That would be the greatest Christmas present I could ask for.

* * *

Twas the night before Sithmas, when all through the Palace

Not a creature was stirring, except for old Emperor Palpatine, filled with hate and malice.

The Rebels were hung from the gallows with care,

And I sincerely hope that Han Solo and Princess Leia will soon join them there.

The younglings were nestled all snug in their beds,

While visions of horror and pain danced in their heads.

And Mara in her cloak, and I in my cap,

Had settled our brains for a short Sithmas nap.

When out on the Palace grounds their arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter. _(And kill the moron who woke me up. I'm old, and I need sleep dammit!)_

Away to the viewport I flew like a flash

And with the Force tore open the shutters and threw up the sash. _(They don't have shutters or sashes in Star Wars! This author is terrible. I should have him executed)._

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow

Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my yellow eyes should appear,

But a Lambda class shuttle filled with stormtroopers, my enforcers of fear. _(The author couldn't come up with a better rhyme than that? I really should have asked for more cash when I agreed to this stupid reading.)_

Accompanying them was their tall ominous leader, truly a villainous crusader,

I knew in a moment it must be Darth Vader.

More rapid than hawkbats his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Rex! now, Alpha! now, Fordo and Bly!

On, Appo! On, Chopper! on Droidbait and Cody!

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!" _(Hold it, hold it, I call B.S. on this. First, those are clone troopers, not stormtroopers. There is a difference. Secondly, that doesn't even sound good. And third, it's obvious that you just chose random clone names off of a list off of the Internet. How lazy are you?)_

As starships that before the wild Forcestorm fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the Palace roof the clones they flew,

With the shuttle full of weapons, and Darth Vader too. _(How the hell are the clones flying? Are they in the shuttle? Do they have jetpacks? Why are they on the roof? Why didn't they go through the front door? Don't you think the guards would shoot anyone trying to break in? You didn't think this through before you wrote this, did you?)_

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof

The marching and tramping of each combat boot.

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the reactor shaft Darth Vader came with a bound.

He was dressed all in armor, from his head to his foot

And that armor was pitch black, the color of soot.

A bundle of weapons he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His visor- how it twinkled, his dimples how unmerry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! _(Oh I get it. His face is red because he got it burned off on Mustafar. That is just sidesplittingly funny. It is so funny that I forgot to laugh. Is this thing almost over yet? I'd rather get another face full of force lightning than continue with this tripe.)_

His dower little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,

And the breathing from his mask filled his underlings with fear.

A vocabulator was in place tightly in front of his teeth

And the dark baritone words it emitted hung about his head like a wreath _(what does that even mean? Is it a metaphor for something?)_

He had a sharp face and a lightsaber that glowed red

That hummed as it slashed through the air, and caused his enemies to drop dead_. (Wow that was contrived)_

He was sinister and lean, a right unpleasant old Sith,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself.

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. _(Because Vader will always be my inferior. I mean, what is he going to do? Drop me down a bottomless chasm? That'll be the day.)_

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the reactor shaft he rose! _(How could he touch his nose if he is wearing a mask? And how did he rise up the reactor shaft? Does he have a jetpack? Did he use the Force? I swear on Plagueis' grave this story has at least a million plotholes!)_

He sprang to his shuttle, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim, 'ere he drove out of sight,

"A rotten Sithmas to all, and to all an unpleasant night!"

_(Is it over? Oh, thank the Force. This is the last time I let Pestage talk me into doing another good will publicity stunt for the public. I mean, all you did was take the Night before Christmas and replace some words with other words from Star Wars. Do you think that is clever? Do you think that is original? Young fool, only now, at the end, do you recognize your failure.)_


End file.
